By: Aly Walansky
It happens – we have all had on-again, off-again relationships, and it seems we never know what our status is. It can be a very frustrating situation, so the question becomes: what to do though to end the cycle? We asked some of our favorite experts!
1. Frequent breaking up and getting back together is a sign of deeper issues related to love and relationships for both people involved.
These kinds of issues do not typically resolve themselves, and usually tend to cycle and repeat, advises Dr. J. Cilona, Manhattan-based clinical psychologist. This can result in a lot of wasted time, heartache, and other negative emotions. Don’t get caught in the break make up trap. Instead, take some time to work on yourself and figure out your own issues. Try educating yourself with books related to what you think your issues are, talking to friends and family about what they observe in you, and experiment with seeking out the help of a trained professional to see if you find that helpful.
2. Sex creates an artificial bond that you may be confusing with love.
When a woman has an orgasm she releases the hormone oxytocin, explains Dawn Maslar, author of the soon to be released The Broken Picker Fixer. Oxytocin causes a woman to bond. When you run back and jump in bed, you don’t know if it is really love or just a hormone high.
3. The overwhelming majority of relationships with multiple break ups do not ultimately work out.
There is a simple deeper wisdom and message in this phenomenon that people engaged in it are missing: If you’re breaking up and making up over and over again, that’s not likely the person for you, says Dr. J. Cilona, Manhattan-based clinical psychologist. Time spent continuing in the cycle usually just ends up lost. No lessons learned, little or no pleasant memories, and most people end up even more vulnerable to the same kinds of problems in their next relationship despite the usual resolve to “never date someone like that again!”
4. The constant relationship roller coaster is destined to lower your self-worth.
Many times we return to a relationship not because we should, but because we want to avoid the pain, points out Dawn Maslar. Walking through the pain of a break-up strengthens us and the healing process enhances our self-worth. Conversely, running back to a relationship that is not in our best interest erodes our self-esteem.
5. Every time you go through the same cycle it can gain more and more power over you and be come harder and harder to break.
Think of like practicing to learn to ride a bike. The more you do it the better you get at it and eventually you start doing it without even thinking about it. You’re not only practicing poor skills in your break up/make up relationship, but also getting better and better at them for all your future relationships. Stop practicing bad habits and start learning some good ones, says Dr. J. Cilona.
6. Lose credibility with your friends.
If you have ever spent hours on the phone with a girlfriend going through a break up, only to have her return to the jerk a week later, you know what I am talking about. When we go through a break-up we tend to reach out to our girlfriends for support. Many times we spend hours, going over a laundry list of why he was no good. “We paint such a convincing picture of the perfect louse, that if we return to him our friends are baffled!” Says Dawn Maslar
7. Prevents the one you really should be with from getting to you.
When you are caught up in an on-again off-again relationship, you are not available for another relationship, correctly points out Dawn Maslar. (Who hasn’t been there???) You never know if the guy behind you at Starbucks was the one for you because you were too preoccupied in your current relationship drama to stop and talk with him.