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Love, Singles & Dating

Dating: Sex for the first time

by Melissa Chapman

Sex for the first time… is there a right time? If you think relationship has more potential than just a hook-up, then you know sex on the first date is probably a bad idea. So when is it right? Read on!

So… sex on the second date? What about the third date?

It is the question every new couple faces: When is it time to take your new relationship to the next level and share the ultimate physical connection? In other words… when can you get it on?

If there’s any kind of chemistry between the two it can be hard to ignore.

However, sex – and when you have it for the first time – can be crucial to the future stability of  your  relationship. Once you have sex you’ve crossed the threshold into a different part of your relationship. The very act of sex itself can either make or break the relationship.

No going back

According to Sascha Rothchild the author of  How to Get Divorced by 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage before you take the sex plunge with your new beau keep this in mind; the act of sex brings on a moment of intimacy whether you want to admit it or not. And there is no going back from that.

“That moment either solidifies that you want to be with the person and take it seriously, or that moment makes you repell the person and want to run away as fast as possible, ” says Rothchild.  ”If you have sex too soon, both reactions can be the end of what might have been a promising relationship if taken at a slower pace.”

Here are three things you should consider as you make a thoughtful decision about when you should have sex for the first time:

1. Wait to do the deed

There are mythical stories of sex on the first date turning into long lasting relationships, but I’ve never experienced this (and I’ve dated a lot) or actually met anyone in this situation, notes Rothchild.  My rule, and it’s a good one, is to wait until the fourth date to have sex. This is assuming you want a relationship and not just fun casual sex. There is nothing wrong with that, but be honest with yourself about what you are hoping for with the specific guy/girl in question.

2. Sex right away sends a message

If you have sex with a guy immediately you’re basically telling that guy that you have sex with everyone you meet immediately (whether it’s true or not) and that automatically lowers your stock, so to speak, says Rothchild. Waiting a ridiculously long time also sends the wrong message, since it’s not the 1800s anymore. After four dates you should have a pretty good feel for the guy and he will have had plenty of time to try and picture you naked, under all your cute date outfits. If, after four dates, you still like each other and want to continue, then go for it.

3. There are very few benefits to having sex right away

Sex right away takes the fun out of flirting, getting to know each other, and building up a little tension.Waiting to do the deed makes a statement that you seem worth it. You seem confident that sex isn’t the only thing you have to offer. And you seem to respect yourself.

Find even more sex tips and info on orgasms and libido >>

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Reader Comments:

110 Responses to “Dating: Sex for the first time”

  1. Shane says:

    How about saving that wonderful experience for your bride or groom? No sexually transmitted diseases, no unwed pregnancy, no guilt, no marrying for the wrong emotional reason. Now that’s a concept.

    • kitty says:

      i totally agree..

    • ~Jamie~ says:

      I totally agree with this as well….SEX is for your husband or wife only people….Doesn’t anyone follow the word anymore and listen to God.

    • Rafal says:

      Agree with Shane. Me and my wife were like that. Neither of us had sex prior to us getting married. Unfortunately, there isn’t very many of us left. Society nowadays teaches our kids that having sex is good for you and don’t matter if you’re married or not.

  2. Adebisi says:

    Noting Bad In that….

  3. Jackie says:

    I agree with Shane–my fiance and I dated in high school, lost track of each other, got back together in 2008, engaged in 2009, and will be getting married next May. We’re both virgins–and proud of it–because we view sex as something that should only expressed between a husband and wife. We don’t have any problem with self-control, which goes a long way into building trust and connection with each other. We value that above all else because we want to make it work, and by showing each other that the other person is worth waiting for, we stand a lot better chance at staying together.

  4. Bernadette says:

    I agree with response #1. What’s up with the “No longer in the 1800′s” comment. This is why the divorce rate and STD is so high, even among our teenagers in 2010. What message are we sending to our “children” & “teenagers”. The “stuff” on TV is bad enough.

  5. johnson says:

    thats is very nice and i will looking forward seeing your reply and indeed am very glad

  6. Fidelis says:

    Biblically, Marriage is honourable in all, the bed undefile..friendship is not all about sex.

  7. salima says:

    I disagree with sex on the first date because incase of alady,you loose value in the eyes of your date and might think negatively about you.

  8. Elijah says:

    I think waiting will do a whole lot of good than harm. If u really love your partner, WHY NOT wait! I guess it will reduce divorce.

  9. FRIDAY says:

    but some lady beleive that if a guy is going out with them with out not have sex with them the look at that person as a fool.

  10. Kenneth says:

    I don’t agree with this.What will happen if you date more than one person? Sex should not be the basis of any relationship but part of it.

  11. Moses says:

    Sex is too beautiful and awesome an experience t obe played out cheaply on dates. I tell u;the best wedding present u can ever give ur spouse is ur body undefiled!

  12. solomon says:

    I met my wife In high school, and we had it on the first date. 8yrs now down the road, our love grows each day. It gave us determination, took a way shame, and brought love to us. For me it worked and we have a lovely son.

  13. saman says:

    hi,i wanted to ask you that,is virginity valuable in europe or amaerica?or not being virgin isn`t an important issue?

  14. LDR gf says:

    What if your in a LDR an are unable to have sex until you 2 meet? An you spend that whole time apart getting to know each other?

  15. OOSHA says:

    I support Shane, but how may youth and singles of nowadays can do that?? They are so rare!!!

  16. henry says:

    How about saving that wonderful experience for your bride or groom? No sexually.

  17. dj says:

    Good shane..However waiting to have sex before marrid doesnot guarentte No sexually transmitted diseases, no unwed pregnancy, no guilt, no marrying for the wrong emotional reason. Its a personal decision and no spechial award for the person that decides to wait until marraige. This is the 2000 and all of the above happens in marriages too.The divorce rate is 95% . Its a committment, that both of you make whether you are marrid or just dating. I was a virgin until 28 . We dated for 3 months bf sex and stayed together for 3 years. I wasnot ready to marrid him after a night of sex. We still had more to learn about each other. We love but was not inlove with each other . Most of the marrid people I know my single friends and I talk about all the time are cheating yes the women get pregnat while cheating/yes the woman finds out he has a child while they were marrid. the list goes on. And yes some do regret that they did get marrid. Virgin or not. So its more to keeping the relation ship going than just being a Virgin. Deciding to be a Virgin is a personal choice not one that deserve a medal. Its a choice…Good luck

  18. Melina says:

    What about sex with someone you been getting to know for months.. but havent met? Phone calls, emails &communication that has led to a deep connection. If when you meet in person and become intimate, would you consider that the “first date”? Just curious…

    • strawberryGirl says:

      Yes, That’s a first date. I’m in a LDR. We have yet to go out on our first date. When we do, it is understood, that nothing will happen. We will wait longer than most, but it will be beautiful. I’m worth waiting for, he understands that.


  20. OGA J says:

    To me i will say waiting is just the ideal thing, but it is not easy to wait. so we all need the grace of God to wait on our selves.

  21. graham says:

    fink marriage bfore SEX.

  22. takyi says:

    sex on first dates really isnt right.am a guy though but dnt like to have sex on first dates

  23. francis says:

    All are right with different thoughts,but i said to have sex after fourth date is ok,from experience, i meet my first date in high school,both of us love each other and agree to be virgin till marriage,we also put on same color of dress every day,expressing our love in different kind,so when i had a change of school,i visit her once a wile but she don’t,after many months i visited her school on a very bad afternoon,i call her,and she came both us was siting opposite under a tree charting,at a time she stop talking and i was still talking,she lost focus on me and was straying on distance behind me,i never knew she saw a guy proposing to her and the guy was angry for her, he gave her sigh to leave there she was confuse and walk out on me,i run after her asking her what is wrong she said i should go,then when i turn back i saw the guy standing and was straying harshly to me.i got the message and went home bitterly, thinking she will come for apology but she did not, but was angry for me visiting her school.so when i make some research i discover that she had sex with the guy.because i was not ready to have sex with her she did it,i felt disappointed and we both broke up.that made me change my decision, love with with sex is incomplete,it affected the second person, that has been the case till now.i still wonder if i will still love someone with out having sex with her After sometimes even if she will be my wife we most have it to build trust.Advisers what do you have to say about this.

  24. sydnery says:

    It depends if u’re actually connected .id don’t see any thing wrong in that.u

  25. wang says:

    love is not abt sex, its all abt getting into right rship and right person. Yes u may keep u virginity til da d day but da mariage wil not last for long, wat wil u say abt dat.

  26. els says:

    What if you wait to have sex till you are married and the guy has no clue hou to sexually satisfy you. As a woman i really would like to know what to expect in the bedroom before i am stuck with they guy for ever.
    My motto is to get as much experience as you can get, but do it safe for sure.
    And no iam not a young girl, i am a mother of 2 teenage girls. I would hate to see them wait with sex and after marriage find out that he has no clue what he is doing.

  27. Thisisme says:

    I say… test drive the car before you buy it, :)

  28. penjenta says:

    4 dates! wow – go #1 comment! maybe this expert isn’t so wise!

  29. Olaleye Yhemmy says:

    There is a great joy in waiting till the wedding night cos it pleases God and U also will have everlasting joy.

  30. Ahaiwe john says:

    It’s a thing of joy 4 u 2 meet a girl a virgin after marriage.well it’s too hard 2 wait cos our body is not fire wood and it’s a tabboo in my culture 4 a man not 2 meet a girl a virgin.

  31. Klaudia says:

    Hey everyone do u want to net me someday so plzzz text me on my phone 414)406-2582 thanxs :)

  32. Ruby says:

    I have no interest in marrying someone with whom the sex sucks. I want some measure of our sexual compatibility before making a lifetime commitment.

  33. AGABA NELSON says:


  34. Justin says:

    ‘VALUE and RESPECT’ of everything, if one want to be with you,he need to fast accept you for who you are. you need to fast show some one how she is worth and that isn’t in sex. so for better chance of staying together please let one see in how you respect and value him or her fast.

  35. its all abt d way u think its best for u.just do what u know is right cos we all know d different btw d right and d wrong but its very hard to tell.be yourself.

  36. opeyemi says:

    for any one to have sex on the first day then such relationship is not going to last long.

  37. Marcela says:

    The article is great. However, my situation is a little different. My friend and I are kind of switching our friendship into another feeling.. I think he already has thought about me naked… how much time should I wait to allow sex? I’m not really clear about what kind of relationship I want with him, but maybe is he to be my partner.

  38. iceey says:

    well for me and my man.. we’ve been chatting for 6 months before we met.. but the first time we met was spectacular.. i think this does not apply to my case coz we’ve been chatting already and been dating online.. but the author of the article has a point.. if you want a long lasting relationship don’t do it right.. 4th date isn’t too long to wait.. (if your dating everyday lol)

  39. iceey says:

    sorry a typo to my previous comment: if you want a long lasting relationship DO IT RIGHT..

  40. Abass says:

    I strongly disagree with Shane, and Adebisi
    bullshit, at the end of the day it end up with a cracking marriage, it better to know the way it is before you any love birds fly high to the sky for oath. Crashing is always painful and you feel foolish to have started what you can’t management, I think unethical ladies use this formality to hold a lose relationship be-cos they know there ain’t fit for the real game

  41. Abass says:

    apologies for my typo error kinda busy but was really interested to post

  42. godoo says:

    it is best to wait, becos it brings alot of benefits i.e. reduces abortion rate, no risk of unwanted pregnancy, absence of contagious diseases, lack of guilty conscience, no God’s disapproval of you! Zip up my guys!

  43. ennygrace says:

    yes marriage is honorable..but if you guys av known yourself well.there is nothing bad in expressing it.

  44. Bluebird says:

    I don’t agree with this article.

    I had sex with my bf on the first date and he still wanted me. We’ve been together a year now and still going. If your relationship ends just because you had sex, then it wasn’t a good relationship to begin with.

  45. Janiffer says:

    Thanx for this advise, honestly i believe u ,sex at the first date is degrading, a man can’trespct o take u seriously wen u sex him on the first date, i did have sex on ma first date in 2 weeks, have already tarted fighting with this man, so , i believe @Merissa Chapman, and u have given me a lesson to learn i will never have sex on the first date,.GoD Bless atmelissa &Lovingyou.om.x

  46. James says:

    Be honest with you, I have had many dates and each one the timing was different when we had sex. I really don’t think it matters at what point you do it. But for guys, don’t rush her, let her decide when it is right. She will let you know.

  47. monday says:

    I really interected in love advice which is very good and true if we can accept it

  48. Butterfly says:

    My situation is a little odd. I was not a virgin when my husband and I met. He was. I wasn’t even into sex (I was actually raped for my first time). I met my husband on a game and we fell in love…online…2500 miles apart. He moved for me…and the first night we were together in the hotel…we had sex. Not sure if that counts as ‘first date’ but our situation was unique. We are happily married for over 2 years now. :) I think all situations are different. I wish I had waited but my situation …was bad.

  49. WhiTe_RoSe says:

    i totally agreed wit Shane and Jackie thought…:)…love can be express by lot of way…not juz s*x…it is honourable to be wait n save that wonderful experience when u totally being declare as husband and wife…don u think it is a great moment to have some1 tat nvr being touch by any1 as ur wife or husband in that wonderful bride nite…i prefer somethin new than be used…:)

  50. sabreen says:

    i think having sexat the fourth date also can give your boy/girl friend a wrong impression about you.having sexx is not everything and saving your precious moments and feelings should be at a suitable time and with the suitable person >so , delay or forget the idea of having sex until you feel that the person is the one

  51. Nicole says:

    We’ve somehow managed to come to expect that sex is the primary reason for dating and have abandoned our boundaries without realizing that waiting a few weeks build greater intimacy than jumping the gun.

  52. Brand Wilson says:

    True word….

  53. Graham Ariweriokuma says:

    Sex at first date devalues the woman and exposes the ingenuine desire of the man. To build trust and confidence for any sound relationship, there has to be an exibition of patience.
    My most earnest concept is ”zip up” until after mariage which qulifies your patience in love for each other.

  54. Isaiah danso says:

    We have dated for more than 2 years without sex.is it not too much?

  55. rocky says:

    I am from Malaysia. People think differently, not everyone the same. I think being intimate is the most wonderful thing that can happen to a person. But some feel bored being intimate with the same person , or sometime they do things which is monotonous. So it is important to make sure either party do not get bored. The worst part is if either party do not take care of each other feelings. When feelings are hurt, Their intimacy will end sooner or later.

  56. Elvis says:

    Wel dat is a nice talk,having at a level,when u r not marry bring u down,it weaken d body and mak d girl 2 look very cheap.

  57. darmie says:

    I dont tink its reasonable to av sex with a guy on first date cos u’re telling the guy how cheap u’re.

  58. Immediately guys start having sex with a girl the girl has turn to something else ,so dat why young girls of now adays run away from sex…….

  59. people think different not the same,because we have some how managed to come to expect that sex include in dating

  60. princess says:

    what if u have been with the person for about 1 year but most of the one year your guys where in different location is it ok then to have sex when u guys meet again?

  61. maxwell maccarthy says:

    i suggest Dude must be in gr8 patience for girls to give them their desirable feelings b’cos my first date cause me into problem simple b’cos she was pregnant… so more time to monitor things b4 sex….

  62. Matt says:

    Everyone’s talking about how Women cheapen themselves after sex on the first date, what about all the Men cheapening themselves by jumping the gun? I know a lot more males that try to get laid on the first date as opposed to females.

  63. cooper says:

    i love everything word and comment here but am looking for someone to love and can u help me out.am 23 years and hope u can hope me up with someone,thanks

  64. oluwole says:

    What about sex with someone you been getting to know for months.. but havent met? Phone calls, emails &communication that has led to a deep connection. If when you meet in person and become intimate, would you consider that the “first date”? Just curious…

  65. Lauren says:

    Shane’s being judgmental. I’m unwed and pregnant, and will be getting married for the right reasons. We had planned on it before I got pregnant, anyways.
    We had been talking on and off for months,and the first day we met we had sex because we had waited 8 months to meet anyways. We’ve been together for over a year in a LDR and we’re still doing great together.
    We’re both glad for the wait because it gave us time to get to know each other as people, but I still view it as having sex on the “first date” so to speak because we hadn’t actually met before.

  66. ITORO says:

    For me, it’s all about understanding from both parties

  67. psalmuel says:

    sex wuld not nt help any of the 2 party is better to wait

  68. Jon says:

    2. Sex right away sends a message

    No offence but that one is total crap!

    Women should not give dating advice unless you’ve extensively tested it.

    If I haven’t slept with a woman within the first 2 dates, sometimes the first night, I have less desire to see her again, I have choice and I have no need to wait around for a woman to sleep with me, because I can go out any day of the week and meet 10 different women, if you meet me and seal the deal earlier I have more desire to see you again. If you didn’t sleep with me, I will have much desire to see you again, because I could just aswell go out and meet another new woman I have not slept with yet.

  69. Linsey says:

    I had sex on the second date and we’ve now dated for five years with my boyfriend.We are formalising it soon.Having sex on the first date,second….should be a personal decision.linsey,Nairobi,Kenya.

  70. EUCHARIA says:


  71. ralph says:

    This advice is very juvenile. Only you know when it is right to have sex. A “fourth date rule” sounds like something the girls came up with in the high school locker room. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

  72. Alyssa says:

    I like the advice in that it gives the 4th date as a general rule. It encourages us to not jump into bed right away, and instead, examine our motives and intentions in our relationships. As a personal rule, I choose not to have sex on the first date, or sometimes even on a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. I get to know the person before I make any decisions about having sex with them.

    Ideally, whether for religious or other personal reasons, most of us would wait until marriage to have sex, but let’s face it, for most of us that’s not an easy thing to do. Sex is a part of us as beings. We, as a society, have created a situation where we rarely marry in our teens or even early twenties anymore, and that means we have a longer wait time than prior generations. Basically, we’re torturing ourselves with long wait times and a society that is full of sexual images, words, content, etc.

    I’m not necessarily advocating premarital sex, but I’m not condemning it either. We all have to make our own choices and live with the consequences and blessing that come from them.

    It’s very easy for virgins and married individuals to condemn others for having premarital sex, and there are valid arguments to be made on all sides. For instance, some could say that “virgins don’t know what they’re missing,” and “it doesn’t effect married people anymore, so it’s easy for them to say that having sex before marriage is wrong,” while others could argue biblical reasoning, divorce rates, and ‘special wedding nights.’ It all comes down to personal choice. What we, as individuals, think, feel, and believe can be the only factors in making such life changing decisions.

    • yusif says:

      hello how are you my name is yusif this advice is very juvenile. Only you know when it is right to have sex. A “fourth date rule” sounds like something the girls came up with in the high school locker room. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

    • Jerry says:

      @Alyssa. I’m 21 yrs of age, I’m educated, handsome, intelligent, hardworking, creative and very social. Yet, I’m still a virgin though I’v experienced 4 different relationships. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I knw wat I’m missing; sexually transmited diseases, unwanted pregnacy, guilt, to mention just few. On the other hand, I knw wat I’m not missing; My pride, inner peace, more time to focus on more important things, good standing with God, to mention still, very few.

  73. Madu Tobe says:

    sex is nt the paramont in a relactionshp,but the problem here is dat if u can keep cam for ur partner is he/she going 2 control her self this is wht is hpning 2 my own right away.i must confess i love her re than evry tin,i dnt thk she is prud of me,although i do hv sex wit her but i’m 100% ready 2 stop dat until mariage.if there is any tin i hv 2 do 2 make dis relactionship strong pls let me knw

  74. ese ogidigbo says:

    yes,l agree with shane,though it may seem hard but a man who only think of removing your underwears before marriage is an irresponsible man

  75. Laurie says:

    I don’t personal feel the need to wait until your married for sex. I do have concerned with the phrase …waiting a ridiculous period of time and four dates being put together. Are we saying beyond four dates is to long. I do believe if someone truly cares for you they give you the time you need to be comfortable. Which for many women maybe more then four dates but less then marriage.

  76. to me its depends on the individual reasoning faculty,because sex is a bound between two agreed adult.i will not support under age involving in sex scenario of a thing.we can make a change if we can all check our reasoning faculty.

    • Victor says:

      what about people that has been in relationship with passion on internet over a year. when they wet do they need to wait for few days again before they have sex?

  77. Victor says:

    I mean when they meet do they need to wait for few days again before they have sex?

  78. Sarah says:

    I like this rule. 4 dates before sex. I know that I won’t wait until marriage just because what if your spouse is a really bad lover. If you guys aren’t compatible sexually then that gives you one suckish sex life.

  79. Mariam Yakubu says:

    what if u knew a guy and u admire each other and later u guys hook up and that same day u have sex, and continously the guy still feel love for u, is it possible that he might think bad abat u, that u are cheap or what

  80. Jen says:

    I had sex on the second date and now I’ve been with him for 2 years.

  81. Positive Mind says:

    Gud comments there! I think it depend on both guys’ understanding. Is also imp 2 know how gud ur partner is, sexually, since this will go a long way build a healthy marriage life. Thanks mern !

  82. Barrylulu says:

    d lady i’m dating nw lov sex,she can do witout it,nd i don’t lik sex….anytime we re inside d room,she will be expectn me 2 hv sex wit her,wat can i do

  83. i think you should tell me more about relationship, how to get there right and everything about it.

  84. mike says:

    from all indication, having sex outside marriage is bad.

  85. mike says:

    from all indication, having sex make d lady involve loose value and guy go 4 another challenges

  86. Isaac oyeniyi says:

    I think & believe that waiting for the appointed is the best. Sex was a gift frow God & there are rules guiding it.

  87. femie says:

    fine marriage is not all about sex but the question is what will end the love

  88. Ron says:

    How hard it is to maintain our morals as men in an immoral world! I was Married for a couple dozen years, never cheated on my wife. She did so thats over. I’ve been dating a lovely Christian woman for a year and a half, we are both committed to waiting untill WE ARE MARRIED. This is what God commands and we should NEVER argue with God. He always wins.

  89. hapana says:

    it should be the way shane says but some people has no patience

  90. 4th date.. this article grieved me. My heart is broken for our culture. God designed sex to be beautiful, and this advice to wait till the 4th date is so evil. As a woman, there are no words to describe how much we allow sex (bc we want love) to rob us of our value, and we buy into the lies not realizing the soul ties and damage we’re allowing. God says wait till marriage.. I’m gonna go with His opinion.

    4th date.. really?

  91. els says:

    i think waiting with sex till you re married is a very nobel thing, but it just does’t work.
    What if you marry a guy that does’t know how to please a woman. He never got any chance to learn how to be a great lover.
    Believe me, a marriage isn’t gonna last when it has only bad sex or no sex at all. That is why all the men go to other women.And who can blame them.

  92. Nate says:

    Seems to me, most of you have the opinion that you should remain virgins till marriage. Why are you even reading these articles, if you have already made your minds up?

  93. OrangeCrush says:

    What if you had oral sex but not the full blown will this make him think diffeently?

  94. bettyblue says:

    First or second date sex can be amazing if you click with the person and feel immediate chemistry and connection.I had sex with my soul mate almost immediately and we were together 7 yrs

  95. imer says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 months and just had sex for the first time. We did it because we love each other deeply. Both of us were virgins which meant,though we didn’t have a clue what o do, that it was really sp really special on an emotional level. I am glad I waited this long and would’ve been happy to wait longer. I really think the longer you wait the better since that way your relationship is built on trust, intimacy, etc rather than physical stuff.

    • Su says:

      Today, marrage and relationships are based on romantical feelings alone. This is a pretty new consept and also the most vournable. Feelings can easily change, even if you have waited with sex until you know your partner well.

      I’m really fan of the times we are living in, that we are free to choose. The advices above are great if you are searching for a serious relationship. But they’re are only advice. When it comes down to it, only you know what’s right for you. As some people here are eager to share.

  96. shanel says:

    can u have sex befor u start ur peroid

  97. Geegirl says:

    I holds nothing about having sex on a first date especially if u r a very sharp girl,u can find out what a guy feels for u,if its real or that he is just flirting wt u,i had sex wt my boyfriend on our second date and my first time of being at his home,i felt no guilt and uptil now we are still very much in love,he respects me and holds nothing against me,if God wills we r likely to get married soon,waiting or not means nothing when the chemistry is mutual.the only time to wait is when you are not sure he loves u,i knew my guy loves me after our first date

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