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Love, Singles & Dating

Finding Mr. Right: Are You TOO picky?!

by Melissa Chapman

woman with magnifying glassYou are a self-described serial dater. It’s not that you have a problem getting dates;  rather, committing to those second dates is what you find so difficult. Are your expectations too high? Will you ever find someone who can meet them?

You can hear your mother’s voice, playing on an almost continuous loop in the small of your mind shouting, “Oh, you’re too picky! So what if his hands are big? What’s wrong with a guy who wears a sweat suit on a date? You’re never going to give me grandchildren!” But you still can’t bring yourself to overlook those characteristics you disdain.

Sure, you’ll admit you’re particular and that you’re not a spring chicken – or perfection personified either. Still, regardless of fully accepting your own flaws, there are just certain non-negotiables you can’t seem to adapt to in a mate.

Top 5 Unrealistic Expectations of a Partner

According to Dr. Karin Anderson, Associate Professor of Psychology and Counselor Education at  Concordia University Chicago and author of the book, It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, unrealistic expectations can work against you in your quest for love. In fact, Dr. Anderson notes,  if you see yourself in any of these categories, you may be sabotaging your love life without even realizing it!

#1 Unrealistic expectations of perfection: Enough with the “soul mate” idea already.

#2 Unrealistic expectations of similarity: Your man will never want to go to the mall with you and your girlfriend’s eyes will always glaze over when you prattle off MLB stats.

#3 Unrealistic expectations of romance: Eventually, he won’t bring you flowers anymore and she’ll start wearing sweats to bed.  You can bank on it.

#4 Unrealistic expectations of change: If it’s not working, get out so you make room for the right one to come along.

#5 Unrealistic expectations of fulfillment: “You complete me” is a bad line from Jerry McGuire, not a philosophy for a healthy relationship.  It’s the new millennium.  Complete yourself.

So now what?

Dr. Anderson says, if you find you resonate with any of the above, here are some surefire ways to let go of unrealistic expectations and let love in!

#1 Perfection: It’s not that you have to abandon the hope of finding a soul mate entirely; you just need to expand your conception of the term.  Maybe it’s time you recognize the soul mates you already have in your life—kindred spirits like your best friend or your dear Aunt Marie.  True, finding a confidante is a rare gift, yet it’s possible you’ll meet several soul mates throughout your lifetime.  But realize your soul mate doesn’t have to come in the form of a romantic partner!

#2  Similarity: Of course you want to date someone with similar interests, but it’s unrealistic to think your paramour will share every single one of your passions and pursuits.  Furthermore, if you’re heterosexual, you can forget about this for sure because men and women can only relate on so much—then our hormones take over and propel us in opposite directions—he to the court to play pick-up basketball, she to the salon for a mani-pedi.

Expecting your partner to do everything you do is a recipe for misery.  Here’s a thought, how about calling up the friends you ditched when you hooked up with your new flame 3 months ago.  They really miss you and would love to check out that shoe sale at Macy’s.

#3 Romance: Get real!  Life isn’t a chick flick!  It’s perfectly fine to date someone for a while and then decide he/she isn’t romantic enough for you—that happens.  But are you doing your part to fuel the fire?  If you require silk sheets and serenades, be sure you cultivate this element in your courtship.

Don’t move in with a guy, get mad that he no longer woos you, and leave him because his feet smell and he belches in bed.  When you broke out the sweats and scuncis, you sent the message that wining and dining was no longer top priority.

#4 Change: We complain, complain, complain and want them to change, change, change, but we’re missing the whole point of dating.  The goal isn’t to alter someone to fit you; it’s to find someone who’s already a good fit.  We socialize children, not partners.  If you’re not happy because your lover lacks qualities you desire, it’s your fault for sticking around.  Expecting to eventually create the perfect partner prevents you from meeting a compatible one.

#5  Fulfillment: It’s your job to fulfill yourself.  Period.  A companion should compliment your life, not complete it.  Expecting someone to fill your intrapersonal voids is not only immature, it’s impossible.  No one can make you happy.  No one can give your life meaning and purpose.  No one can save you from yourself.  Until you recognize this, you’ll keep dismissing perfectly wonderful partners because they haven’t been able to miraculously bandage up all your psychological wounds or haul off your emotional baggage.

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Reader Comments:

16 Responses to “Finding Mr. Right: Are You TOO picky?!”

  1. Nurse says:

    Not a very realistic article. I’ve been single for 13 years…I’m a registered nurse, have a good job and own my home. The reason I haven’t remarried is because I can’t find anyone who passes all 4 of some simple requirements.
    1. You have to have a job
    2. You have to have a running car.
    3. You can’t live with your mother.
    4.You can’t be an alcoholic.
    Am I being picky? I don’t think so.

  2. 13 years single? In 13 YEARS have you ever:

    1. Taken a class to better yourself? (can be as simple as a dance class)
    2.Done something you’ve always wanted to do? (This is the thing you always talk about with friends, it begins with “One day I will…”)
    3. Traveled abroad? (Mexico and Canada don’t count)
    4. Gone through some sort of therapy concerning your first divorce?

    If no, then yes, you are too picky and not honest to yourself about your 4 criteria. Read #5 again about fullfillment. NO ONE can make you happy but you. No one can save you from yourself but you.

  3. 13 years single? In 13 YEARS have you ever:

    1. Taken a class to better yourself? (can be as simple as a dance class)
    2. Done something you’ve always wanted to do? (This is the thing you always talk about with friends, it begins with “One day I will…”)
    3. Traveled abroad? (Mexico and Canada don’t count)
    4. Gone through some sort of therapy concerning your first divorce?

    If no, then yes, you are too picky and not honest to yourself about your 4 criteria. Read #5 again about fulfillment. NO ONE can make you happy but you. No one can save you from yourself but you.

  4. Maegan says:

    Need advice? Ask Alice and Amy…

  5. fvdsbhfc says:

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  6. Renegade Biotch says:

    Overseas Teacher, you’re an ass for being so judgmental. Who the hhhhheeeeeell are yoooooou!

  7. mohammed hashim says:

    can you use money to create a love from a woman

  8. Makanaga Dona says:

    i do not think you are picky as such may be the part of having a running car!!
    I think its not yet God’s right timing for you however do not give up keep trusting in God and he will bring Mr.right at your doorsteps at the right time.

  9. Jill Jones says:

    I can ditto this senerio. And no I don’t think you are too picky. What are we to do? I’m very frustrated!!

  10. Jen says:

    As someone who has her own material security you are right in seeking someone who has equal weight (job, own home) but i think the unrealistic part of your 4 needs is the running car part. Are you saying in 13 years you have never met anyone that comes close??? are you only meeting alcoholic unemployed men who are carless and living with their mum? It is hard to believe that in 13 years these are the only type of men you are meeting?

    i dont think overseas teacher is being judgemental i think she is being realistic that if you are attracting these type of men then it must be something that you are doing to attract them because you are the common denominator.

  11. 36316 says:

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  12. genzel says:

    i hav been single since two years.i need a man who can take of a lady all round.

  13. Irrespective of what Hollywood says, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. If you fall for someone you fall for the whole package and not just the bits that you like. You both have to work at a relationship but so long as you keep talking (and listening!!!) to each other, spending quality time together and doing simple things like telling your partner that you love them then you should be okay.

  14. ennygrace says:

    am in support of what jen and oversea teacher says.check yourself.don’t decide for yourself,let God decide what is best and right for u

  15. John says:

    There are single men that fit what Nurse is looking for. My question is what what does she look like? How she looks will attract men. Then her inner beauty (kind, selfless, happy) will keep them those men. Work on improving your attraction on the outside and inside, then the only problem you’ll have is deciding which man to choose.

  16. dses says:

    People always like celebrities, but I think those in uniform deserve more respect.

    They defend our country and safeguard our policy.


    show your love and respect to our military heroes.

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