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Couples & Married, Love

How To Be Attracted To Your Spouse

by Melissa Chapman

You took your marriage vows with a clear conscience and a full, infatuated heart.  At the time, you were convinced nothing  could possibly diminish your deep physical attraction for each other. But life happens and now you are decidedly not attracted to your spouse? Read on for some marriage advice that will help restore your physical attraction.


During the honeymoon phase of your marriage just the thought of your lover would send tingles to the very tips of your toes.

Fast forward six years, two kids, a mortgage, car payments, the stresses of every day life and the steady expansion of your husband’s gut. Now you find that long-held physical attraction has begun to wane. To be perfectly blunt, you’re simply not attracted to him anymore.

Loss of attraction in couples is normal

According to Dennis K. Lin, a sex therapist and psychiatrist at Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan, it’s important to acknowledge that this drop in sexual desire is usually regarded as normal — as something to be expected.

“Most couples in a long-term relationship experience a decline in sexual desire and a growing lack of sexual interest in each other, a reduction in how often they have sex and perhaps also a decline in the level of sexual pleasure and excitement they get when they’re making love,” says Dr. Lin. ”But this is okay, and you can do something about it.  ”

Handling loss of physical attraction

As time goes on you may find that your spouse has put on a few pounds, let themselves go or aged  in an unfavorable way. This applies to men and women alike. There is no need to feel guilty for having these feelings as long as you try to fix them, notes Dr. Lin. The problem  is that many people  handle their loss of attraction for their spouse in the wrong way by talking trash to them, or just going out and cheating on them.

“Loss of attraction for your spouse can certainly be a recipe for divorce and/or a breeding ground for infidelity but it doesn’t have to be,” says Dr. Lin. “One thing that’s certain: it’s a lot better to work at restoring your relationship so it’s exciting, powerful, passionate and committed rather than abandon it and go off and start again. That often produces only heartbreak and misery for all.”

7 Ways to renew your physical attraction

Dr. Lin offer these  tips which can help you increase your physical attraction to your spouse in a way that is positive and supportive for him.

#1 Quit buying the junk food

If it’s your partner’s weight that is the problem, then start stocking your house with healthy options rather then the bad stuff.  This will help them to reach for the good stuff and not be tempted by all the junk.  Then you can state that you want the two for you to get in better shape to improve the health of your bodies and marriage.

#2. Look at yourself

As time goes on we of course age.  Take a good look at yourself and see how you’ve changed over the years as well.  It’s easy to pick apart all the things wrong with your spouse, but doing this to yourself can be tough.  If there are things about yourself you don’t like, then work on them.  If your partner sees you’re taking better care of yourself, he will most likely do the same.

#3 Remember the things you love about your spouse

Don’t focus on all the negative things about your spouse. No one is perfect!  Do think about all their good qualities.  It can be so easy to dwell on the bad, but every time you catch yourself doing this, stop, and think positive.  This can help you in every aspect of your life.

#4 Talk it out

Be open and honest with your spouse and tell him or her how you feel.  Sure it will hurt a little, but do it in a nice way.  Say you want the both of you to take better care of yourselves. This means eating right, exercising and taking the time to fix yourselves up.

#5 Remember all the things you’ve been through

Look back through the years at all the things the two of you have been through; buying a house and having children, for example. Remembering what the two of you have been through will strengthen the bond between you.

#6 Try not to be self-centered

Perhaps you are only looking at the physical aspect of the attraction when there is more to someone then just his or her looks.  Make sure you notice all the good characteristics of your spouse.  Take the time to liven things up and bring back the old spark the two of you used to have.

# 7 Get counseling

Maybe you would benefit from some marriage counseling (or even some individual therapy).  There is no shame in getting counseling. You are doing it to improve your relationship.  Ask your spouse to go with you by telling him you want to strengthen your relationship.  Your spouse should be willing to do this for the two of you.

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Reader Comments:

14 Responses to “How To Be Attracted To Your Spouse”

  1. MANSUR LAWAL says:

    #8 Love Your Spouse Truely
    Right from the start never love your spouse because of physical attraction because in the long run after getting married there is every possibility the two of you going apart.

  2. Debbie Agboola says:

    This is a nice suggestion, and I believe it will help me in my marriage, not only that I will share it with people around me.

  3. chikoo says:

    and lets remember the field always seems greener at the other side of the fence.

  4. Very true…We should always make sure that we go into relationships for the right reasons and thats why things like shapes,weights are so common in destroying good relationships but there is more to that,you can go to a new person and chances are that they might gain or change shapes as well,and do we ever think like “what if this things happens to me”…will you be happy to br left cuz they say what goes around comes around!

  5. ALADE ANUOLUWAPO says:

    dont fall into LOVE
    grow in LOVE
    love can be anything you want it to be
    redefine your love and see the outcomes

  6. amaka says:

    with love you correct and your spouse and make him what you want him to be.infidelity will not solve the problem.

  7. kylixie says:

    When we read the bible it is also written there that WIFE must follow husband, husband love your wife in return.

    I think love and respect really helps a lot.

  8. [...] How To Be Attracted To Your Spouse [...]

  9. Doug Lee says:

    Then, of course, if you or your spouse are the types to simply look for the same feelings that you shared when starting out, the marriage is doomed as that is not duplicable without the decision to commit to seeking it in a different form. Some are not suited to long term relationships, since they are addicted to the “new.”

  10. Doug Lee says:

    One other thought, we tend to think love should simply BE or HAPPEN. In reality, it is something which we CHOOSE. Remaining “in love” is, surprisingly and somewhat disappointingly, a lot of WORK whereas courtship is all anticipation and excitement.

  11. stella chioma says:

    husband no matter what situation ur wife may be, love, cherish, adore her, because without her life will be miserable.

  12. Carlos H says:

    My spouse and I always have been opened about these. We also have an open marriage which has helped us avoid routine. We have been together 23 years and we are very much in love. Monogamy is not for us.

  13. Georhe Hilbert says:

    Choose your counselor carefully. (I admit that just how you do that would depend on what you have to work with in the area you live.) Your best bet is to talk to a lot of people, family, friends, coworkers, etc. Careful with the coworkers. Paying a counselor for bad advice is not conducive to a good relationship. Remember, these counselors often have worse problems than you do.

  14. Ron says:

    I think service to your spouse is critical. You can say you love the other person but it is through actions and deeds that count.


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