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Love, Singles & Dating

Your perfect man

by: Aly Walansky

woman-man-kissing-in-bed

I am a single girl – never married, and thus never divorced, and even still, when I paged through Ginger Emas’s Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009), I couldn’t help but laugh out loud and be inspired all at the same time.

One of the major instructions of this book is creating a “man file”. Even before discovering what one was, I wanted one… and I went right to the source.

“I recommend that every woman – single or divorced – create a man file. A man file has two parts: A list of non-negotiables and a list of must-haves,” Ginger shared.

As our chat went on, I learned that non-negotiables are those things that you absolutely will not put up with in a man, such as violence, cheating, lying, abuse, financial irresponsibility. On the other hand, must-haves are the things a guy must have in order to be in a relationship with you.

Ginger says she interviewed dozens of women and what typically tops the must-have list is sense of humor and intelligence, followed by chemistry (some women put this first!), kindness and a steady income. Your man file can also have “nice-to-haves” – things like enjoys kids, went to college, lives a healthy lifestyle — these may not be must-haves or non-negotiables, they’re more like extra credit.

Obviously, everyone’s man file will be different. While mine may include creative and edgy, yours may include good cook and pet-lover.

Why is something like this so important for all of us single girls out there? Quite simply, a man file is more than what kind of guy you want; it’s about who you are now. It gives you the unique opportunity to take the time to consider the kind of partner you want — not whom your friends or parents or children think you should be with.

“We are different now; we change after we’re married and divorced; we should honor that. For example, the first time around, being with someone who was of the same faith was important to me. Today, that’s not even on my nice-to-have!” Ginger says. “I’m raising my son Jewish regardless of who I’m with; I participate in my spirituality whether I’m alone or dating someone. I totally expanded my horizons and dated a lot of diverse people by considering what was truly important to me – and what no longer mattered.”

Our lists can sometimes be too exclusive – put a line through whatever is “old talk” and open up to the possibilities, as long as you don’t compromise on those things that truly matter to you.

Ginger offers some final words of caution: Be careful what you wish for! “I wrote down that I wanted someone who was self-sufficient – you’d be surprised (or maybe not) by how many women date men who need “saving” – and we choose them over and over again. But when I started dating my current boyfriend, I had no idea how to love someone who was as capable as I am – and sweeter, too! I’m telling you honestly, it took a while for me to figure it out and open up my heart!”

Well said! So, I ask, what would be in YOUR man file?

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Reader Comments:

109 Responses to “Your perfect man”

  1. LUCY WYATT says:

    THE PERFECT MAN AS THEY SAID…EVEN THOU NOT DOSE EXSIT. THE MAN FOR IS THE MAN WHO LOVES FOR WHO I AM AND HE DOSEN’T WANT CHANGE ME TO FIT WHAT HE WANT. THE MAN I WANT HAS TO HAVE INTELLIGENCE…SENSE OF HUMOR AND WE SHOULD CHEMISTRY. HE SHOULD LOVE KIDS HE SHOULD BE OPEN MINDED. NOW FOR THE CONS, HE NOT LY, CHEAT, ABUSE, VIOLENT AND FINACIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY. HE SHOULD FOR ME ONLY AND ONLY ME.

  2. Karen says:

    The article was interesting. It’s similar to what I do however, I’ve always called it my pros and cons list. I do feel intelligence, chemistry, effective communication and compromise go a long way in establishing a happy relationship. I’ve finally found that “special one” that makes this possible for me.

  3. AUGUSTINA says:

    MY PERFECT MAN AS THE SAYING HAS TO BE A MAN THAT WILL BE INTELLIGENT AND SOFT MINDED PERSON ALSO HAS A SENCE OF BELONGING MUSTLY TO FAMILY AND OPENED MINDED. FINALLY IT’S TAKES TIME TO BE A RESPONSIBLE REAL MAN BUT WITH TIME I THINK A GUY THAT REALLY LOVE A LADY WOULD GO EXTRAL WAYS TO BE RESPONSIBLE MAINLY IN THE ASPECT OF FINANCE.

  4. Brenetta says:

    The perfect man is one who is willing to work through ANY & EVERYTHING with you. He will have his flaws just like you but he will recognize them and love you anyway. When you love someone, you love the inside, not the outside because God helps you to see through all false things.

  5. Zanayed says:

    The perfect man is the one who is loving, romantic, respectful and is willing to communicate with you at all the times. The perfect man does not let anybody influence him. He is commited to his lady and does not hide any secrets. A perfect man does not cheat and does not have a need to look at other women when he knows he has the woman he wanted. A perfect man has no need to look at porn when he has a woman who wis willing to please at all the times. I wonder if this kind of man exists!

  6. Violaaa says:

    My perfect man is never taking things for granted.He is passionate, caring and dedicating wholeheartedly. He never disappoints me with what he promise. He loves me as a whole and enjoys every moment with me. His joy is my joy and vice versa.

  7. Md.Shahzad says:

    very good article and comments are also good.

  8. Tru says:

    I made my man file a long time ago. Like a year after my divorce, which was 8 years ago. I won’t settle on several areas, thus probably why I am still very single. I’m very self sufficient, always have been. I feel good about who I am, and feel closer to being with my “true husband.” I enjoy reading quite a bit. One article called “Heart True Man” I found on the net, really rings a bell for me.

  9. Nice article,i have always wanted a man who is of this same faith with me,intelligent,love me for what iam,respectful,can not be influence by any body and does not talk carelessly.

  10. sesan raheem says:

    its nice& its ok

  11. JH of Arlington says:

    A great article, well written, and inspiring. But I would venture to add that any person seeking quality, must be of the highest quality herself, and elevate, NOT, stoop to conquer. Secondly, I was shocked to read one of the comments about ‘saving’ men. Women, in our natural nurturing tendencies may rush to rescue a man, just keep in mind, when you create a safe haven for a man, you need to commit to that for life. It is a non-negotiable. So ladies, we all need a man who leads, on whom we can lean, feel safe with, be vulnerable with, and inspire our femininity to the extreme, to whom we can respond, freely, and joyfully. Everything else, is indeed “extra credit”.

  12. Tiffany says:

    First off most of you have to high of expectations of men, they show love in different ways then woman do and by expecting them to love you how you love them will actually make things worse off. If they proffess their love to you and announce to anyone of importance to them that you are their lady, are willing to provide for you finacially and emotionally, and are willing to try and protect you an your feelings from anything that could harm you he is more then likely completly in love with you. Men don’t always want to sit and listen to all of your gossip from your day, thats what your female friends are for. As long as you can show them appreciation for the things they do for you stay loyal to them and give them the “cookie” then they will more then likely stay with you and only you. You have to put up boundries and not fall to their every whim and let them get away with things you have to let them know what you expect from the start. Your perfect man may be right in front of you and you could be throwing it all away because of your unrealistic veiws on how they should think or feel or act. Good luck for all of you but sometimes you don’t have to go looking for the perfect man he will just fall into your lap. You just have to be smart enough to see it.

  13. brian says:

    waw its interesting and in real life thats things are supposed to be.but i would like to get in tourch with Lucy Wyatt an keren.my mobile is +256774284019

  14. brian says:

    waw its interesting and in real life thats how things are supposed to be.but i would like to get in tourch with Lucy Wyatt an keren.my mobile is +256774284019

  15. Zanielicious says:

    I think a perfect is the guy who is always there 4 u and who treat you lyk a queen anywhere.

  16. THE PERFECT MAN AS THEY SAID…EVEN THOU NOT DOSE EXSIT. THE MAN FOR IS THE MAN WHO LOVES FOR WHO I AM AND HE DOSEN’T WANT CHANGE ME TO FIT WHAT HE WANT. THE MAN I WANT HAS TO HAVE INTELLIGENCE…SENSE OF HUMOR AND WE SHOULD CHEMISTRY. HE SHOULD LOVE KIDS HE SHOULD BE OPEN MINDED. NOW FOR THE CONS, HE NOT LY, CHEAT, ABUSE, VIOLENT AND FINACIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY. HE SHOULD FOR ME ONLY AND ONLY ME.

  17. bmokip says:

    Is there one for create a woman file too? It helps also to get a perfect match.

  18. Jessica says:

    The perfect man. He will treats me like a queen and will also love me for who i am.i would like to get in touch with Augustina my mobile no 07032023413

  19. Jessica says:

    A perfect man will let me in into his worries

  20. Theophilus says:

    Am hving problem with my relationship. D luv of my life is cheating on me, i dont know what to do!

  21. olasile says:

    i am also having a problem with my wife

  22. timothy says:

    endurance is what everybody needs to survive relatioship.

  23. opesan sheyi says:

    transparency is the foundation of any relationships.from sheyi opesance@yahoo.com

  24. Сравнительно недавно попал на Ваш сайт, теперь каждый день захожу посмотреть, не написали ли чего новенького. :) К сожалению только Вы не каждый день свой сайт обновляете :(

  25. iim asigle mele never marri im looking a girl to marri

  26. i love a girl will can mekin me happy oh the time

  27. ola says:

    i need some who i can make love,who can be with me,some one who we can care for eath
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  28. lizzyhonda says:

    i think he should be the real ideal modern man ,one who knows what he really wants in me.

  29. Deb P says:

    I don’t like it when they talk behind our backs !!!! Along with that they are jealous when you are near another person even if it’s another guy;

  30. sweetbutterfly says:

    .. your aricle is so interesting! well, my friends and i were doing the same thing since january of this year ..by august i kinda throw the paper already, but now as i stumble upon ur artile it made me realized that, the list came true.. last firday i met someone exactly the one on my list. well, we are not dating, but i think hes exactly the one im referrin on my list. now, were on the get to know stage, theres the chemistry but we’ll see whats gonna happen next. so all you reading there, i strongly suggest you try the LIST
    tcare all n God bless :)

  31. Can I join ur party: Im mark Gerald Espinosa…?

  32. I came from;Philippines,did u have a ym? karen…?

  33. If did u have ym pls send this email;markgeraldespinosa’

  34. Tanay says:

    Its a nice thing to figure out the perfect man that you want to have in your life.Every woman has her own defination of a perfect man so while meeting him she can figure it out avoiding any disasters in future.

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    I WICH HAS COM TO PASS AM ALL SO LOOKING FOR A GIRL AND IS U

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  37. fredy says:

    hi karren, i believe u’ve learnt much about the issues of the heart and love,wel wld u wnt hav in practice wth someone who is willing to meet up all your heart desires? pls let me know ok!

  38. fredy says:

    Love they say comes to who believe it, so pls u wld hav in abundance if u believe it.

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    the messenger are good

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  42. mhumski says:

    the messenger is brilliant..,”)

  43. peter says:

    u are so right lucy…lol

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    Love is always cherish when u luv somebody that really luv back.

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    a man has sex

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  48. jameslort says:

    I made my man file a long time ago. Like a year after my divorce, which was 8 years ago. I won’t settle on several areas, thus probably why I am still very single. I’m very self sufficient, always have been. I feel good about who I am, and feel closer to being with my “true husband.” I enjoy reading quite a bit. One article called “Heart True Man” I found on the net, really rings a bell for me.

  49. Prisy says:

    A perfect man tries 2c through ur inside.and gives u the Value.

  50. EdJun says:

    My perfect man would be someone with nice personalities such as humble, kind, easy going, funny, cute, and a not too gentleman. He must have that smiling eyes and thick eyebrow and with that smile. Someone who ables to make me laugh and comfort me when i’m sad and willing to be there to share my joys and tears.

  51. Arunsena says:

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  52. alhassanlame says:

    woman-man-kissing-in-bed

    I am a single girl – never married, and thus never divorced, and even still, when I paged through Ginger Emas’s Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009), I couldn’t help but laugh out loud and be inspired all at the same time.

    One of the major instructions of this book is creating a “man file”. Even before discovering what one was, I wanted one… and I went right to the source.

    “I recommend that every woman – single or divorced – create a man file. A man file has two parts: A list of non-negotiables and a list of must-haves,” Ginger shared.

    As our chat went on, I learned that non-negotiables are those things that you absolutely will not put up with in a man, such as violence, cheating, lying, abuse, financial irresponsibility. On the other hand, must-haves are the things a guy must have in order to be in a relationship with you.

    Ginger says she interviewed dozens of women and what typically tops the must-have list is sense of humor and intelligence, followed by chemistry (some women put this first!), kindness and a steady income. Your man file can also have “nice-to-haves” – things like enjoys kids, went to college, lives a healthy lifestyle — these may not be must-haves or non-negotiables, they’re more like extra credit.

    Obviously, everyone’s man file will be different. While mine may include creative and edgy, yours may include good cook and pet-lover.

    Why is something like this so important for all of us single girls out there? Quite simply, a man file is more than what kind of guy you want; it’s about who you are now. It gives you the unique opportunity to take the time to consider the kind of partner you want — not whom your friends or parents or children think you should be with.

    “We are different now; we change after we’re married and divorced; we should honor that. For example, the first time around, being with someone who was of the same faith was important to me. Today, that’s not even on my nice-to-have!” Ginger says. “I’m raising my son Jewish regardless of who I’m with; I participate in my spirituality whether I’m alone or dating someone. I totally expanded my horizons and dated a lot of diverse people by considering what was truly important to me – and what no longer mattered.”

    Our lists can sometimes be too exclusive – put a line through whatever is “old talk” and open up to the possibilities, as long as you don’t compromise on those things that truly matter to you.

    Ginger offers some final words of caution: Be careful what you wish for! “I wrote down that I wanted someone who was self-sufficient – you’d be surprised (or maybe not) by how many women date men who need “saving” – and we choose them over and over again. But when I started dating my current boyfriend, I had no idea how to love someone who was as capable as I am – and sweeter, too! I’m telling you honestly, it took a while for me to figure it out and open up my heart!”

    Well said! So, I ask, what would be in YOUR man file?

    suggest an article get tips

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  76. ROSE MARY says:

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  93. Rana says:

    For me my problem is that i choose a man a real man that i see everyday at work hes nothing close to perfect and he cant see me although im beautiful smart im everything a guy wants but he always tells me that im like his sister but im special but he cant tell me how special im trying to move on and find someone who deserves me and i deserve but i dont know if this is the right way do you think so????

  94. rose says:

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