Posts Tagged ‘relationship issues’
Sunday, March 13th, 2011
By Aly Walansky
Here are the facts about three celebrities who were blindsided by their spouse with divorce:
—Actress Laura Dern was totally blindsided when her hubby, Grammy winner Ben Harper, filed for a divorce. The two had been married since 2005 and had two kids together. Meanwhile, Harper claimed in the legal documents that they’d been separated since January, but friends of the couple said they’d been traveling together all year and were intimate maybe as recently as last week. How hard is it to have a sit-down before filing divorce papers?
—Usher and his now ex-wife Tameka Foster had allegedly been separated for a year when Usher filed for divorce, but Tameka claimed they’d been intimate within the week and court documents said she had every reason to believe her marriage was intact.
—Tiki Barber was allegedly “floored” that his pregnant wife Ginny filed for divorce, because she was supposed to do it a month later. Ginny was eight months pregnant with twins and the two had agreed they wouldn’t “file divorce papers until after their babies were born.” The two had been separated since talk of Tiki’s alleged affair had begun a few weeks before.
 In each of these cases one partner was shocked and surprised by their partner’s move to file divorce. Clearly there was a communication shortfall but could it have been avoided? What can we learn from these examples?
Mary Pender Greene, noted psychotherapist and relationship expert has this to say: “Many of us share the unrealistic expectations of celebrities and do and will not put the necessary effort into our marriages. This can be traced to the pretty pictures presented by movies, television and other entertainment sources–creating false expectations. This becomes deadly when coupled with the high divorce rate in America.
We learn from the example of our parents and their behavior.
Couples often fall victim to difficult family histories. It is instructive that in the case of celebrities, too many of them are surrounded by adoring fans and equally adoring friends and associatesmost who care for them based on their fame and fortune. Is it surprising these “stars” would have difficulty with the sometimes hard truths of marriage? But no matter what the situation is or who you are, there is no getting around the fact that marriage takes work. Being “lazy in love” will almost always spell disaster in a marriage. It leads to communication difficulties and skewed perceptions.
“In the case of these blindsided men and woman, it is clear that a lack of communication between them was the main culprit in their break-ups,” Pender says.
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, divorce, love, relationship issues, relationships
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Friday, February 25th, 2011
By Aly Walansky
Mary Pender Greene, NYC psychotherapist and relationship expert advises, “The presence of any one of these signs shouldn’t cause you to run out and call the whole thing off. But if any of these situations sound familiar, ask yourself if you’re really into this guy. Or are you dragging out a bad relationship?”
 Good question…read on. Do any of these things exist in your own relationship?
* The relationship feels more like a friendship.
* He says, “I love you” and you can’t imagine saying it back…ever.
* You have nothing to say to each other.
* You cheat on him or he cheats on you.
* There’s a general feeling of disconnect that doesn’t go away.
* The drama is more exciting than the relationship.
* You have so many “talks about us,” there’s no “us” anymore.
* You fight more than you actually have fun.
* You have sex only because you want him to want to have sex with.
* He isn’t supportive of your work or your interests outside the relationship.
* You find yourself constantly looking at other guys, and everyone seems more attractive than your boyfriend.
* The sex is consistently bad or sad.
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, divorce, love, relationship issues, relationships
Posted in Breakups & Divorce | 2 Comments »
Thursday, December 2nd, 2010
by Stephanie G.
A new survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that one in five marriages blame Facebook for their demise.
Everything from shady messages to skanky photos are destroying America’s marriages, according to the AAML. 80% of divorce lawyers report a spike in cases that feature evidence derived from social media; citing inappropriate sexual chats with former flings as the most notable culprit. And here I thought that infidelity was the fault of the cheater! I’m relieved to find that, much like every injustice that plagues Western Civilization, it’s Facebook’s fault.
If you catch your man cheating with an ex on Facebook, know that you’re not alone and that it could be worse. He could be cheating on you with Mafia Wars.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon.
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, divorce, facebook, love, relationship issues, relationships
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Friday, November 19th, 2010
by Stephanie G.
Is the older woman/younger man dynamic destined for failure?
The Eva Longoria/Tony Parker split has taken over the tabloids, yet again begging the question– do Cougars and Cubs stand a chance, or, in the eternal words of Cher Horowitz, are these relationships just “full-on Monet”s? (It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess.)
I’ve long had an unfavorable view of Cougars, and frankly, any loving relationship dehumanized by slapping an animal kingdom moniker on it. And at long last, I’ve found someone (an expert) who agrees with me. Relationship guru Ish Major, MD, believes relationships erected using the Cougar model are set for failure. Here are five reasons that play a role both in the jungle and on the dating scene:
Habitat Destruction – “Cougars eventually tire of being ‘mommy’ and set their cubs free.”
Introduction to Exotic Species – “As cubs grow older, younger females look more and more attractive.”
Reproduction – “Even males eventually feel their own biological clocks ticking and want to procreate.”
Survival of the Fittest – “As cubs mature, their cougars become a little ‘too’ mature.”
Over Exploitation – “Cubs resent being ‘cared for’ and want to make their own way.”
Ish Major, MD Major was recently named to the 2010 list of America’s Top Psychiatrists. He attended graduate school and medical school at the University of South Carolina. Dr. Major completed his psychiatric residency and child/adolescent fellowship with the Palmetto Health Alliance and is an attending psychiatrist at a private in-patient hospital facility in Greenville, SC.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, celebrity break ups, cher horowitz, clueless, cougars, divorce, eva longoria, ish major md, love, relationship issues, relationships, tony parker
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Thursday, November 18th, 2010
 by Stephanie G.
I know from firsthand experience: breaking up is hard to do. In fact, it’s so hard that I’ve never been able to actually go through with it. You see, instead of “breaking up,” I instead institute “the break,” which is just like breaking up, but with more mixed feelings and tearful 2 AM phone calls. As other cowardly daters know, “the break” is usually followed by “the fade” — but we’ll talk about that some other time.
Of course, dragging things out with breaks and fades is a terrible way to end a relationship. Think about it– if you were putting your dog down, you’d want it done quickly and painlessly (as opposed to avoiding the thing until it dies “of natural causes.”) Put your relationship down like a beloved pet whose time has run out; not like a deer you hit with your car and left for dead.
Because it’s easier said than done, I’ll just come out and say it: there is a way to break up with someone without robbing them of their dignity.
Do it in person. It shows you mean business and that you respect the other person. Breaking up via text, Facebook, or any other electronic medium leaves way too much room for negotiation (it’s also evil and can be used for blackmail at a later date). This isn’t gym class, and you’re not here to volley. Say your piece, listen to theirs, and call it a day.
Location, location, location. Don’t destroy a place you once enjoyed together. Meet on neutral territory. You should choose a spot that’s quiet enough to talk; but make sure you’re not completely isolated, either (especially if your soon-to-be-ex has a hot temper and nothing to lose).
Leave other people out of it. Your friends, parents, pets, and co-workers don’t need to be dragged into this. Don’t beg your mutual friends to play middleman. You should also let your almost-ex be the first to know that you’re (tactfully) kicking them to the curb. Until the break-up is finalized with the other person in the relationship (pesky bugger), avoid spreading the word (and your legs).
KISS. No, don’t leave your ex with an intimate parting gift — Keep It Simple, Stupid! Give concise, concrete reasons; and avoid going into excruciating detail. Skip the horse and pony show — no one likes a surprise pity party.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: break up, break ups, breaking up, breakups, divorce, how to break up with someone, love, protecting an ego, relationship issues, relationships
Posted in Breakups & Divorce | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
by Stephanie G.
Cold cases aren’t limited to detectives: your unresolved relationships can haunt you until you put an end to them.
I happen to be infamous for getting closure one way or another; finding a way to close open-ended relationships up to six years after they commenced. After years of work, I’ve cleared my desk (read: life) of every cold case file. I’m also in the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Along with meeting someone I want to be with, eliminating the remnants of relationships past has allowed me to focus on the present, not “what could have been.” If you’re trapped in relationship purgatory, use these pro-tips to tie up your loose ends.
Identify your cold cases and choose your battles. Every guy that slipped through the cracks over the years does not require revisiting. In my experience, there are only a few key players that affect the way you think about love, sex, and dating. The men that follow in the wake of the key players need not be individually addressed. If Guy 1 is responsible for breaking your heart and causing you to tailspin into a downward spiral of one night stands, you should focus solely on closing the books on Guy 1. Cut off the head, and the body will die.
So who should you focus on? You want to get closure from the woulda/shoulda/coulda; the guy who was almost your soulmate. These guys are particularly important to rid yourself of because there’s typically something standing in the way of your being together other than a mutual attraction. These are dudes who are in long-term relationships, or live far away– they have never had a reason or opportunity to hurt you. They’re much easier to idealize, and no real relationship will hold a candle to the imaginary one you’ve created. Get rid of this person immediately.
You should also make an effort to move past anyone you thought you could save or fix. Damaged people are not leaky pipes, and you cannot repair them. Failing to change someone does not make you a failure, but it might make you feel like one.
Every case is different, and only you are capable of knowing which ones need to be addressed.
Pick a course of action. Now that you’ve identified your cold cases, decide what outcome you want and how you plan on getting it. Do you need to have one last meal with this person? Yell at them? Sleep with them? Your plan is always subject to change, but you need to consider what it is you want from this person before making contact. You do not go into combat without a strategy, soldier. The more calculated you are, the less emotional you’ll be. You’re much more likely to come to a lasting resolution if you’re composed and logical.
Remember: Under no circumstance should you expect a relationship to stem from your plan of action. These tips are not meant to prime you for getting your ex back. They’re meant to help you discard emotional baggage so that you’re ready to enjoy a functional relationship in the future.
Be dedicated and patient. There is a strong possibility that the other party does not care about giving you what you need to move on. That very attitude is what renders this person a cold case to begin with. Don’t get discouraged. It’s not going to happen overnight; in fact, it may take years. If you’ve correctly identified this person as a cold case, it won’t matter how much time is passed– you’ll still want that closure. Give the other person space and time if they’re initially resistant to your efforts.
Put your plan into action and prepare to feel underwhelmed. Usually, enacting your plan of action is enough to help you get what you need, regardless of what your cold case says or does once you make contact. A significant passage of time forces you to remove the rose-colored glasses and see your cold case for who they really are; likely, no one special. You’ll come to realize the influence they had over your life has everything to do with you and nothing to do with them. This realization makes it much easier to let them go.
Closing a cold case is time consuming and requires inner-strength and dedication– but the benefits of moving forward far outweigh misty water-colored memories.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, closure, cold case, dating, divorce, love, relationship issues, relationships
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Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
by Stephanie G.
To screw or not to screw? Follow these tips when revisiting a golden oldie.
If you’re a Gossip Girl fan, you were probably squirming in your Snuggie last night watching Blair and Chuck show the world what ex-sex is all about (over and over again). The excitement was almost enough to make me forget how terrible an idea ex-sex can be — you know, in unscripted reality. Here are a few guidelines should you decide to visit your old stomping grounds.
The truth shall set you free
Are you dating around? Avoiding relationships, but craving physical contact? Be honest about why you’re calling your ex at 3 AM. If it’s because you’re a few blocks away from their place and you’ve knocked back a few, then by all means– get your booty call on. But if it’s because you miss their smell, or you “just want to snuggle,” they need to know that, too. Your ex should be able to make a well-informed decision with all of the details, and you shouldn’t pretend to be okay with something casual if you’re not. And if you’re not…
Don’t call it a comeback
Do not use sex in an attempt to catch your second wind. Your relationship is over, and you’re not going to win your ex back with all of the exotic bedroom moves you’ve acquired since you last slept together (put the Cosmo down). If a rekindling takes place as a result of a no-strings fling, fine; but it should never be your motivation. It’ll be a big letdown when you realize that Reverse Cowgirl is no match for the issues that broke you up in the first place.
Use a condom. Always.
What once was is no longer. Like it or not, you’re not in a monogamous relationship anymore. Act like it.
Remember: Sex≠Relationship
You don’t call the shots anymore. If your ex’s phone rings, don’t ask who it is. Don’t complain when it’s time for you to go home or vice versa. Don’t expect flowers. Casual is as casual does; so if you’re trying to have a casual, sex-only relationship with your ex, act accordingly.
Keep calm and carry on
If you’re still with me, and you’ve emerged unscathed from sleeping with your blast from the past, great! Keep it up. Nothing has changed. This person is still your ex, and you’re still you. You should continue to live your life and seek out new relationships. Don’t get lazy just because you’ve figured out you can sleep with your ex without dating them. Truth it, the more often you have ex-sex, the more comfortable it becomes– and the more complacent you become. Do not turn your ex into Old Faithful, your favorite vibrator. Keep your eyes and mind open for someone who wants to offer you more than physical company.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: blair waldorf, booty call, break up, break ups, breakups, chuck bass, divorce, ex sex, fling, gossip girl, gossip girl season 4, love, no strings attached, relationship issues, relationships, sex with ex boyfriend, sex with ex girlfriend
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Friday, November 5th, 2010
by Stephanie G.
An affair can– and will– rock your relationship, but is infidelity really the end?
We’ve all been affected by an affair at some point; whether we fell victim to a cheating partner or coached a friend through the aftermath of an infidelity. It comes as no surprise then, that occasionally these relationships live to see another day. But how frequently does one opt to stay with an untrustworthy partner?
Peggy Vaughan, author of Preventing Affairs: You Can Have a Monogamous Marriage, But Not by Just Assuming You’re Immune, puts a number on the relationships that aren’t torn apart by cheating– and it’s a shocking one. 75% of couples carry on post-adultery. To say that these couples “beat the odds” isn’t just inaccurate, it’s downright untrue. The couples who actually do beat the odds are the ones that find the strength to take that relationship out back and put the damn thing out of its misery.
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: affairs, break up, break ups, breaking up, breakups, cheating, divorce, infidelity, love, relationship issues, relationships, staying together after an affair
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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010
by Stephanie G.
Deaths may happen in threes, but new-age break-ups happen in thousands.
Doesn’t it seem like every solid couple you know falls apart within days of each other? It’s not just your imagination. Break-ups, much like allergies, peak at certain times of the year.
Award-winning designer and author David McCandless observed over 10,000 Facebook relationship status-updates, specifically tracking the ones that ended with a broken heart.
So, is there really a time of year when your rocky relationship is especially vulnerable? All signs point to yes– and according to McCandless’ chart, break-up season looms ahead.
Unless you’re certain your relationship will beat the odds, hold off on splurging on your honey’s holiday gift, hm?
Stephanie is a NYC lifer who enjoys new-age dating, sharp-dressed men, and occasionally acting as big spoon. Follow her on Twitter!
Tags: break up, break ups, breaking up, breakups, broken heart, david mccandless, divorce, facebook, love, relationship issues, relationship status, relationships, ted talk, when do people break up
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Friday, August 27th, 2010
by Melissa Chapman
Facebook makes it so easy to stalk your ex after a breakup. But we’re telling you: You need to stop now, for your own sanity! Here’s some advice!
Our finer moments
I’m sure we’ve all done it: Obsessively hacking into our ex boyfriend’s voice mail account to retrieve his messages or incessantly driving by the restaurants we frequented together as a couple, hoping to get a glimpse of him and his new squeeze. Sneaking around feels sleazy and inappropriate, but sometimes we just can’t get a handle on our compulsive behaviors.
Are you a stalker?
Facebook, however, makes it so much easier to obsess over an ex boyfriend. And, to make matters worse, you don’t even have to be friends with each other. Likely you share Facebook friends and get treated to pictures posted of him with his new girlfriend.
According to Paul A. Falzone, CEO of eLove, once you start spending time on your ex’s Facebook page or the pages of your mutual friends just to get small nuggets of information about him (or her!), you’ve officially become a Facebook/social media stalker.
Stalking your ex on social media won’t bring closure
For the same reason texting, e-mailing or calling your ex on a regular basis won’t give you closure, stalking your ex on social media won’t bring closure either, notes Falzone.
“The break up of a relationship is like a death and those affected must grieve for a certain period,” says Mr. Falzone. “Frequent contact with the other party in the relationship simply delays the grieving period.”
You can quit stalking your ex on facebook
You can quit stalking your ex, notes Falzone. And admitting you have the problem is, as always, the first step. If you know you’re acting like a stalker but can’t stop, the best thing is to go cold turkey and terminate your Facebook account where the ex is a “friend.” It may be extreme, but it is the best way to quit and you can always open another account once the monkey is off your back.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Block your ex.
Another tactic, and this is more of a psychological ploy, says Falzone, is to be proactive and block your ex. What does that do to them? Nothing. But blocking them in some small way can help you reclaim a shred of your dignity. And even if your ex and your intentions towards each other are well-meaning, contact with each other just prolongs the sadness.
2. Delete friends of your ex from your Facebook or social media site.
If they are your friends, fine, but contact with his friends will only keep you connected to your ex and extend your grieving of the breakup.
Tags: break up, break ups, breakups, divorce, love, relationship issues, relationships
Posted in Breakups & Divorce, Love | 1 Comment »
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